Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Riding the Crazy Train

The closer I get to Nuke Day, the crazier I get. I am on a crazy train of conflicting emotions and strengths. I hope they find something fixable. I told Jason last night, "I don't care if I have to have a transplant, I just want to be normal again."

For a while, I'm okay with the wait, knowing there isn't anything I can do until we know what is going on and I'm grooving on the (at)peace train.

Then I'll wallow around in self-pity and fear for a while, worried that they won't find something that can be fixed, or even worse, something that isn't bad enough to fix so I have to wait.

I'm not being a good limited activities person. I stomp and pout when Jason drops me off in front of a building then goes to park the car. I resent having to have the bag boy carry my groceries to the car. I hate having to get a buggy to push around even when I know I'm only getting a few things, because walking and carrying things isn't going so well.

I hate, hate, hate and despise with a passion having to ask for help. It makes me feel ashamed of myself. But I know I'm being silly and stupid. I know this is probably temporary, but the what-if's are lurking in the shadows, waiting for a weak moment to attack.

And then later, I'm back to being fine.

Crazy Train.

Loki sez: Gnawing boxes into tiny flecks of cardboard is what I do when I feel upset.


Anonymous said...

You are going to be OK - made whole again, I am sure of it! In the meantime, just think, you have had a sneak peak at your 'old old age' - ain't it grand what we have to look forward to? But, once you get this fixed, you can do lots of things to make that better - exercise, etc. Sorry you are going through this and tell your mom to keep me posted!! Love, Aunie Anon

Kelly Love said...

I'm sending good thoughts your way! It might be a good time for some retail therapy to calm yor nerves. The last time I had a screening I bought a $400 bag because you can't get bad news on the same day you buy a $400 bag. I call it my "I don't have cancer" bag. Keep your chin up and let us know what happens!

JanetLee said...

Auntie Anon - thanks! I'll keep you posted.

KLo - I've been doing that in small scale. I wore my hot pink sneakers to the echocardiogram because, how can anything be wrong when you are wearing hot pink Nikes?