Thursday, December 20, 2007

Mommie's Little Tax Deductions

We got a ton of them. Everyone getting induced for the holidays. Babies everywhere. People telling tall tales to get a bed. No room at the inn.

Here's our Christmas Carol:

Tis the season for pitocin
fa la la la la, la la la la
time to get the amnio-hook out
pop pop pop pop pop, pop pop pop pop
can't get labor started going so let's do a c-section
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Now we have a real sick baby, getting oxygen, IV's and meds.
Got to call the Neonatologist,
but they've got their tax deduction!
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Yesterday, Baby Jesus was delivered. Not a real Baby Jesus, but the Baby Jesus that gets put in the Nativity scene at midnight on Christmas. (What I don't understand is, why do they have Mary and Joseph and the Wise Men and the animals all standing around staring at an empty manger all month, waiting for the Baby Jesus to appear? Surely, Mary and Joseph were doing something else - Lamaze or Bradley - the day before. And the Wise Men were cruising the desert on camels.) But I digress. Someone put Baby Jesus in a bassinet in a back room and one of the nurses went back there. When she came out, she said, "Dang, Baby Jesus needs a bilirubin, stat!"

Uh. Well, I thought it was funny. Bilirubin is what is elevated when a baby is jaundiced. Baby Jesus looks like his bilirubin is about 100. But he still has his pretty blond hair and blue eyes.

And then, I had one of our pregnant nurses look up Lotus Births. She printed it out and is going to take it home to her husband as a joke and tell him (he is a youth minister) that she's thought about it and it makes sense, if God wanted the umbilical cord and placenta separated at birth, He would have designed it to break off or fall off.

Then they made up a fake birth plan that made me laugh so hard I cried and had black streaks of mascara all down my face and they didn't tell me at all and I didn't know until I went to the bathroom like a half hour later then it made us laugh all over again.

Don't have a baby at this time of year. The nurses are all punch drunk.

Oh and here is the McDonald's commercial we looked at like a hundred times.

Thor sez: I wanna see Baby Jesus! They had an elf-kitten at the manger, really, they did!


joan said...

Will I get in as much trouble taking a picture of Jesus in a bassinet as I did with the shot of Santa with his pants around his ankles?

JanetLee said...

Joan- probably. He is sharing a bassinette with the CPR baby. They both look like they could use a few days of phototherapy.