Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hurricanes, Part...uh...3?

While digging through the massive pile of junk and paper thrown into the desk drawer - it's my filing system - I found the original print out of the Yankees' Guide to Hurricanes.

Besides sneezing my face off due to the paper/book mites and dust, I was smiling over the edited portion:

Hurricane Supply List:

Batteries, lots of them and here is a helpful hint: actually LOOK at what size your various toys and things take, then buy some in all those sizes.

Water, water, then some more water. Do not drink the water they tell you to save in your bathtub, that is for pouring down the toilet after nature has called so your house does not begin to smell like a crack den.

Food. Now this is tricky. Beer and chips. Pop tarts for the kids. DO NOT BUY MILK!! Milk is ONLY for snow emergencies. Canned goods that taste good COLD. This is not the time for a dozen cans of cream of mushroom soup, no matter how many you can buy for a dollar.

Got a can opener? Oh, that electric one, yeah, and on day five of no electricity after all the pop tarts and beer are gone, you'll find yourself in the backyard with a screwdriver and a big rock, grunting like a caveman over a can of french cut green beans. Then pissed off you can't call 911 because there is no phone service and you are going to do something really stupid like let your idiot cousin sew you up after dipping the thread and needle in Budweiser because he swears he saw it on Emergency 911 when he was a kid.

Medicine. Lots of pain relievers (and some Valium if you can get it) because after about two hours of no TV, video games or computers, the kids are going to get REAL whiny, real fast.

Lumber. For the windows.

A tarp. For when the tree crashes through the roof.

Battery operated radio/TV. So you can find out where to buy diapers, ice, beer and cigarettes.

A chain saw. Because nothing says "I Survived Hurricane Whomever" like a severed body part.

Gas for the car so you can ignore all the safety warnings and drive all over town to look at the damage.

Camera. So you can take pictures of the really cool things like bikes in trees and boats in the streets. Oh yeah, and to document damage for your insurance company.

Money. Because ice is going to be $20 a bag and diapers sell for about $10 EACH about two days post hurricane. And when every towel, sheet, and shirt in your house has been peed and pooped in and then you realize that the Laundromat doesn't have power either, you'll pay, oh yes you will.

But the best thing to have during a hurricane is a rich out of town relative with a mansion inland who will leave you a key under the doormat.

And pet food. Or else they'll be at each other like...uh...animals.


Sharon said...

Love it. Esp. the chainsaw.

JanetLee said...

Sharon - more people are injured by chain saws after a hurricane. After Hugo, all you could hear for days were helicopters and chainsaws. Those two sounds still give me an inkling of how people with PTSD feel.