When I was 20, I said, "I can't live my life like this." And I made some changes - pretty stupid ones that did not lead to a better life - but I was 20 and heart breakingly naive.
When I was 30, I said, "I can't live my life like this." And I went to college and got a new career.
When I was 40, I said, "I can't live my life like this." And I left my bad marriage, struck out on my own and wrote my first novel.
Today, as I'm looking at turning 50 in the coming year, I have a strong sense that I don't deserve to say "I can't live my life like this" because I have so much.
I have a wonderful man who loves me, I have family, I have friends, I have a good job that provides me with a comfortable living, I am healthy. I am really fortunate with where I am. When I think of the situations others are in, I am ashamed of my selfishness.
So why am I so unhappy? Is it just some habit I've gotten into? Thinking I need to reinvent myself every 10 years? Is it because as I get older, I'm more aware that there isn't much time to recover from any disastrous life changes? Am I afraid? Is it peri-menopause hormonal fluctuations?
I hate telling people I feel depressed because the first question they ask is, "Why?" And I don't have a why, I just do and it makes me feel ashamed and ungrateful.
So I think the brave new life changing event for my 50th year is for me to stop pretending that I'm okay. I've spent the last year acting like myself. Before a social engagement, I have to psych myself up. Before work, I have to put on my nurse personality, force a smile on my face and go pretend for 12 hours at a time.
I've got to find some way to stop pretending to be me and get back to actually being me.
Loki sez: You aren't going to adopt more cats, are you?